i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
