kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
