I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
The ass gains better be worth it
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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