she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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