I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
