If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
