Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
