A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I want her autograph on my taint
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I think my moral compass just broke
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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