Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
