So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
