You just made me feel so damn special
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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