If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
