Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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