my mouth tastes like poor choices
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Success! We fucked roommates!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
