your parents love me but you hate me
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i think i have two assholes
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
