She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
