And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
