I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
