Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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