He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
