my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
