'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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