i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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