I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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