someone get that fucking seahorse.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
