So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
