I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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