I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So. Much. Porn.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
