so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
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