Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
