This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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