take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
