The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
