Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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