I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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