Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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