He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
