I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
