Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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