He passed out mid-signature
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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