Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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