I want to stick my p in your. b.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
