i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
