Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
