Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
