Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
