My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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