you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize