He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
