Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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