Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
