At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
