I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
