i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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