Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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